So folks, picture this: I’m sitting at my laptop, in my little studio, surrounded by art prints that smell of fresh paper and ink. My to-do list for the day was actually quite simple: upload a new art print, post a bit on Instagram, and maybe have a cappuccino in the sun later. Sounds like a chilled day, right? And then – BAM! – a yellow thing pops up in my WordPress backend. “Your website is running an outdated version of PHP (7.4.33) … blablabla … please update.” So really, as if I care about PHP in any way. I want to make art, not debug code.
But okay, curious as I am, I click on it. And then WordPress explains to me in a language that sounds about as sexy as an instruction manual for a vacuum cleaner: PHP is the programming language that brings WordPress to life, and my version is from the Stone Age, so to speak. Expired. No more security updates. Like an expired yogurt in the fridge that may still look good, but is guaranteed to cause trouble.
Great. Me, who thought the only outdated technology in my studio was the printer, which sometimes eats paper like a hungry dog. And now my website, my little digital shop window for the world.
I imagine it like this: My website lying on my server at night, rolled up in an old woollen blanket, tired and rickety – and the other websites, which already have PHP 8.3, running around in circles and laughing. And my poor site just coughs quietly. And the risks? Well, obviously quite unpleasant: security gaps (what if someone suddenly bursts into my store with dirty shoes?), compatibility problems (plugins that at some point say: “Sorry, we’re not talking to you anymore!”) and performance losses (and my site is already no Ferrari). The whole thing kind of reminds me of when I tried to charge my old cell phone the other day. It still worked, but every attempt to open Instagram was a waiting game. Exactly the same drama here: Except instead of Instagram photos of my dog, it’s now my webshop that’s at stake.
So what do I do? I take a deep breath, push the coffee cup aside and call my website agency people, they’re really cool guys. They’re the equivalent of those good girlfriends (but they’re mainly men, as is the case in these agencies) who bring you chocolate when you’re heartbroken. It feels like they’re your psychiatrist with an open ear for all your technology worries – and I really do have a lot of them. Sometimes it’s the cell phone, sometimes the laptop or the website.
“Don’t panic,” they say. We can increase the PHP version and if my current template and plugins don’t cause any problems (and I really hope they don’t) then we’ll get through it in 1 or 2 hours. Awesome! By the way, have a look at their website, they are based in the Swiss capital Bern but actually operate internationally: rettenmund.com
Go go go! I’ll give you the order. All of a sudden I feel so relieved. The unbearable lightness of being almost reaches me. But only almost. Because these technical things usually make my artist’s head explode, believe me.
My website is now purring again like my cat when he has a full belly. And I’m happy too. So if you also see a message like this and are about to throw your laptop out of the window or delete your web hosting: Don’t panic. PHP may not be sexy, but it keeps your website fresh, secure and faster. And let’s be honest: who wants to have a digital yogurt in the fridge that has long since expired?
So, now I’m off to make art again. Amen!
Yours Nicole